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Three​-​Leaf Clover

by Garish

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1.
So I made you a Valentine, with glitterglue, dried spaghetti. Present it to you, hands bloodied- Don't die 'til you're ready, ok? Don't die 'til you're ready, ok?
2.
How could the sidewalk shake 'til it breaks right open & still pretend to be so still? & I've been hearin' your fear in the record that they're clearin' down at the rumor mill. & you can see that I'm not equipped to jump ship or tell you to fuck off again because you never did anything wrong, I suppose, just reminded me injury is sin. You didn't like the way I let you in. You didn't get the way I let you in. You could eat a feast of forgiven & still that hummingbird livin' inside the cage of your ribs. & it would mean so much more if I could even the score by having anything left to forgive. & all the punks here cut the fingertips off their magic gloves to prove that they're tough guys & show off their nail jobs & in your old town you would have stayed right out: pinnacle of cynical, lesbian devout- but you deserve to become someone I wouldn't recognize in a crowd & I deserve to turn off completely- you wouldn't know my voice if you heard it out loud & I will learn to speak so soft I will learn to speak so soft I will learn to speak so soft with the weight of the cradle that broke the bough 'cause it was the cradle that broke the bough. How could the sidewalk shake 'til it breaks right open & still pretend to be so still?
3.
Full Moon.......................................................... Full Moon.......................
4.
5.
Smear 01:38
6.
7.
Crisis crisis crisis crisis crisis.... ... Jesus Christ...... ,,,,,,Jesus Christ.........
8.
We ghost-trial our idols who died suicidal a spill in the eye-hole: I cry like a child I cry like a child for bribable rivals....
9.
10.
Cruel 02:49
I wish I didn't care who spoke my name in honeyed stare in honeyed stain & did not keep tabs of want & shame I wish there wasn't more than you to blame. I know my tongue in strong, it it long & wet. I wish that was enough to make you long for it. & if you found you did, along my throat & neck, I wish that wouldn't shape into the bars of Heck. I wish there wasn't more than you to blame. Scorch the forces which made my hands soft & slight, trying to be as cruel as you are. I'll try not to waste my visions of daily light, trying to be as cruel as you are as you are......
11.
Caretakers 01:58
I will sing to you on the bus as it moves I will hold you on the bus as it moves I will hold you swing until it soothes I will hold you.
12.
We've hacked it to now, we can hack it forever.... (chip away at it....)
13.
What's a Three-Leaf Clover worth picking for fun? & the kid that's left over that keeps your blood runnin' says "pick it & tuck it away in your jacket; I think we can hack it today." & the plastecine figurines of natural perception ask: "what's a body stretched decades worth asking protection for?" & I'll stretch the word past all meaning & metaphor- "did you say what you came here to say?" & what's a Three-Leaf Clover worth in three pieces severed? & the kid beneath you shoulder says "we'll hack this forever" & stem bleeds all directions & makes thread through your sweater. Is this what it means to disintegrate?

about

This is my sadsong bedroom project pieced together in swatches of grief made with fingerpicking loops & garageband instruments through an old laptop, under the influence of cold coffee syrup in rogue novelty mugs, in the stained grass outside where Three-Leaf Clovers appear insistently & I try to figure out how to worship them. Nostalgia sirens, fractured trauma memory webs, cold coffee spilling over in the faceglow of recurring crisis in the lives of mentally ill queer & trans family (<3 <3 <3 to all of you).....This is about short-circuiting impulses & indulging in pessimism & traumatized eyeballs trying to see Love in eachother & the opioid crisis & having conversations between yourself at different ages & it's about deciding what is lucky- it is about the fragmented & jolted Hearts of caregivers, or at least this caregiver.

Thank you & I love you to Sasha Mannequin, Hampton, Lydia, Dani, Roo, everyone at Lost Cause, & every other crazy bitch. xo

credits

released December 13, 2017

All songs composed, performed & recorded by Garish on Unceded Coast Salish Territories.

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Garish Vancouver, British Columbia

You can burn me alive in the hot hot oil, but I am not a seed for Lucifer's soil.
**********************
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